One day, Mr. Phillard rushed his pregnant wife over to the hospital. As the doctors were prepping his wife, Mr. Phillard's idiot brother Bill arrived to watch the birth. But when Mr. Phillard saw the blood and everything else, he fainted. When Mr. Phillard woke up he was in a bed with the doctor standing above him.
"Mr. Phillard," the doctor said, "you are in the recovery room. Don't worry, your wife is fine and she had twins, a boy and a girl. Because you were unconscious and your wife was still under anaesthesia, she requested that your brother Bill name the kids."

"What! My brother, the idiot! I can't believe you let him! What did he name them?"

"He named your daughter Denise."

"Hey, not bad! I underestimated my brother. What did he name my son?"

"He named your son Denephew."

When my uncle Fred was 60 he started running five miles a day. He turned 97 today, and we have no idea where he is.

a man returns home from work early , only to find his wife in bed with his freind. he goes to the copbord, takes out his gun and promptly shoots his freind!
"what you doing?!!" shouts the wife, "if you carry on like that you wont have any freinds left!"

nice one

My wife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics absolutely guaranteed to make her look years younger. She sat in front of the mirror for what had to be hours applying the "miracle" products.

Finally, when she was done, she turned to me and said, "Honey, honestly now, what age would you say I am?" I nodded my head in assessment, and carefully said, "Well, honey, judging from your skin, twenty. Your hair, mmmm, eighteen. Your figure, twenty-five."

"Oh, you're so sweet!" she happily exclaimed.

"Well, hang on, I'm not done adding it up yet."

The worlds' religions according to Shit

Taoism
Shit Happens
If you can shit, it isn't shit.
Shit happens, so flow with it.
Shit is the highest good. When shit happens, it benefits all things
generously and is without strife.

Confucianism
Confucius say "Shit Happens"

Buddhism

If Shit Happens, it really is not Shit.

Zen
Shit only Happens when it does not Happen.
Shit is, and is not.
What is the sound of shit happening?

Hinduism
This Shit Happened before (and it will Happen again).

Islam
If Shit Happens, it is the will of Allah.
If shit happens, kill the person responsible.
If shit happens, blame Israel.
We don't take any shit.

Sunni Islam
If it happens to be shit, it's Allah's will and you'd better submit!
Shiite happens.

Shi'ite Islam
WE WILL DESTROY YOUR SHIT!
If shit happens, take a hostage.

Nation of Islam
Don't take no shit!

Protestant
Let Shit Happen to someone else!
If shit happens, praise the lord for it!

Catholic
If Shit Happens, you deserve it!
You were born shit, you are shit, and you will die shit.

Charismatic Catholic
Shit is happening because you deserve it, but we love you anyway.

Presbyterian
This shit was bound to happen.

Episcopalian
It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine
with it.
If shit happens, hold a procession.
It's true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans.

Methodist
It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape juice
with it.

Congregationalist and Unitarian
Shit that happens to one person is just as good as shit that happens
to another.

Lutheran
If shit happens, don't talk about it.
Shit happens, but as long as you're sorry, it's OK.
Have faith that shit will happen.

Fundamentalism
If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again(Amen!
Shit must be born again.

Conservative Judaism
Why does Shit always happen to us?

Judaism
Why does shit always happen just before closing the deal?

Reform Judaism
Got any laxatives?
Shit happens to whom it may concern.

Orthodox Judaism
So shit happens, already!

Atheism
Shit Happens for no apparent reason.
No shit.
What shit?
I can't believe this shit!

Agnostic
I think Shit Happens.
Maybe shit happens; then again, maybe not.
Did someone shit?
What is this shit?
It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't tasted it, so I'm not
sure whether its shit or not.
Baptist
I believe Shit Happens! (Amen!)
You are shitting all wrong, and you'll be punished for it.
We'll wash the shit right off you.

Southern Baptist
Shit will happen. Praise the lord!

Shi'ite Baptist
Shit will happen, but only the way we say it will happen and if it
doesn't happen we will make it happen because that's God's
will and we know it...

Calvinism
Shit happens because you don't work.

Seventh Day Adventism
No shit shall happen on Saturday.

Creationism
God made all shit.

Televangelism
Send more shit.
If shit happens to a televangelist, it's okay.
Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit stop happening...

Amish
Shit is good for the soil.
This modern shit is worthless.

Secular Humanism
Shit evolves.

Christian Science
When shit happens, don't call a doctor - pray.
Shit happening is all in your mind.

Quakers
Let us not fight over this shit.

Unitarianism
Come let us reason together about this shit.
Go ahead, shit anywhere you want.

Utopianism
This shit does not stink at all.

Darwinism
This shit was once food.
Survival of the shittiest.

Capitalism
That's my shit.

Communism
Let's share this shit.

Feminism
Men are shit.
This shit happened before, and WE won't clean it up!

Chauvinism
We may be shit, but you can't live without us...

Commercialism
Let's package this shit.

Impressionism
From a distance, this shit looks like a garden.

Idolism
Let's bronze this shit.

Existentialism
Shit doesn't happen, shit IS.
What is shit, anyway?

Stocism
This shit doesn't bother me.

Hedonism
There's nothing like a good shit happening!

Mormons
If shit happens, the Church gets 10%
God sent us this shit.
This shit is going to happen again.
Hey, there's more shit over here!

Scientology
If shit happens, see "Dianetics", p. 157.
Feces occurs.

Jehovah's Witness
Let us in and we will tell you why Shit Happens.
May we have a moment of your time to show you some of our shit?
Shit has been prophesied and is imminent; only the righteous shall
survive its happening.
Knock, knock. Shit happens.
No shit happens until Armageddon.
There is only a limited amount of good shit.
Here, we insist you take our shit.
Shit happens door to door.
Open the door and I'll show you what shit is.
Good Morning, I have some shit for you to read.

Hare Krishna
ShitHappensShitHappensShitHappens...
Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding.
She-it happens, She-it happens, happens, happens, she-it, she-it...
(Repeat until you become one with she-it)
Please this flower and buy our shit.

Rastafarianism
Let's smoke this shit.

Paganism
If you send shit out into the world, it will return to you threefold.

Stoics
This shit doesn't bother me.

Moon-ism
Only really happy shit happens.

Zoroastrianism
Shit happens half of the time.

Practical
Deal with shit one day at a time.

Satanism
SNEPPAH TIHS.

Nihilism
No shit.

New Age
This shit has an aura.
This shit is all ONE shit.
Shit came to me in a vision...
That's not shit, it's feldspar.
A firm shit does not happen to me.
This isn't shit if I really believe it's chocolate.
I create my own shit.
If shit happens, honour it and share it.
Sheeeeeeeeeeit!
Were all part of the same shit.
For $300, we can help you get in touch with your inner shit.

Astrology
If shit happens, blame Saturn.
Shit is written in the stars.

Wiccan
An it harm none, let shit happen.
If shit happened once, it will happen twice more.
The Goddess makes shit happen.

I hope you copied and pasted all that shit. :P

Political correctness.
That shit isn't funny.

Shit happens, Gordon Benn et....

A cannibal wasn't feeling too well, so he went to see the witch doctor.
"Doc", he says, "I've had a bad tummy ache the last couple of days."
"Hmm", says the Doc, "perhaps it's someone you ate. What have you eaten lately?"
"Well", says the cannibal, "I had a monk just last week. He was a tall man, in a long brown robe. We boiled him and ate him."
"Ahh", said the Doctor. "That's your problem. You boiled this guy, but he was a friar!"

Sorry, I'm reading Hannibal at the moment.

A guy walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "Is this some kind of joke?"